Author: stagingchristyro

DID YOU KNOW THAT NEW YEAR IS ONE OF THE HARDEST DAYS FOR THOSE GRIEVING?

I had no idea and I recall the first New Year without my son Aaron here, I found myself deeply emotional and my grief was very heavy. I felt totally triggered but I didn’t understand why.

At the time I was in David Kessler’s Tender Hearts Online Grief Support Group. He explained why New Year is one of the toughest days for grievers and it helped me a lot.

Throughout this article, I will explain the significance of the New Year in relation to grief, and also provide strategies to enable you to view and process this in a more empowering way.

Why is it so hard?

Most people celebrate the New Year because traditionally it’s a time for new beginnings.

It’s a time we make wishes and resolutions for the coming year. We get excited and use the opportunity of a new beginning to motivate us and make changes.

When it comes to grief, I’ve learned that New Years’ is tough because when we say goodbye to the previous year, it feels like we are moving further away from our loved one.

New Year is a day, an occasion we tend to give meaning to

AND moving into the New Year without them is not what we want which intensifies our feelings of grief and separation.

It feels like we are leaving them behind and moving on without them.

How can we view this differently?

This sense of leaving our loved ones behind simply doesn’t serve us.

I encourage you to view the New Year as a time when we can include our grief.

It’s an opportunity to redefine it and show our love to those who are no longer here with us.

• We can choose to shift the meaning to include our loved ones.
• We can choose to bring them with us. 
• We can choose to create meaning and honor their lives.
• We can can choose to bring them even closer into our hearts.
• We can choose to create new meaning around the New year.
• We can choose to redefine our relationship with them. 
• We can choose to create new rituals that continually connect us.

Tips for making the new year easier

What part of your grief can you leave behind?

It’s useful to consider what part of your grief would you like to leave behind in the previous year?

Talk to your grief, let it speak. Write a letter, ask it questions. What does it need to let go of? What aspects of your grief are not serving you?

What part of your grief will you bring with you?

What do you need to create more room for this coming year?
What does your grief need?
How can you feel more empowered?

The first year after really struggling, I decided to create more connection with my son in the New Year. It made the transition much easier for me.

Send them a blessing or prayer

Take some time to wish your loved one a New Year. To spend a moment in connection, sending a blessing or a prayer.

Remember New Year is just another day on the calendar

This means you decide what it means for you. You can decide to give it significance, or not. It’s up to you. You can think of it like you are moving further away from the tragedy of their death, but not further away from them. We can bring them with us.

ASK YOURSELF: IS IT REALLY HELPFUL FOR MY LOVED ONE TO REMAIN ABSENT FROM MY LIFE

Always remember to look after yourself, and be kind to yourself. If you’re struggling please reach out for professional support. Do you research and make sure they are grief informed and experienced. 

At the end of the day, Grief is love, no one can take away your love, so connecting with your love and your loved one – is empowering and meaningful. It helps. 

New Year is no different

Check out our video New Year is a hard time for Grievers and share with those whom you feel may need it.

Creating Change is all about helping people to live their best life, despite the may challenges life presents. We offer free MassterClasses, Workshops, Group and 1:1 Coaching & Healing.

Wishing you peace in the New Year. In loving remembrance,

Christy Roberts

Poor sleep is a massive problem in our society today. It affects millions of people across the world. Getting a good night’s sleep is not just about how many hours you’re getting, it’s also about the quality of that sleep. How restorative it is and how rested you are during your sleep. A study by ABC Life, indicates that the average adult gets 7 hours of sleep per day. 12% of us are getting fewer than 5 ½ hours, while about 8% of us are getting over 9 hours. Where do you sit with this?

In addition, it showed that not many of us are getting the ‘right sleep’.

Between 33% and 45% of people say their sleep is inadequate. Inadequate means their sleep is lacking in either duration or quality, resulting in daytime consequences. That’s ⅓ to ½ of us. That’s a big deal!

Why is getting a good night’s sleep important?

As a Coach and Healer, I work primarily with leaders. I’ve noticed that poor sleep patterns and sleep disorders affect the majority of my clients.

Sleep patterns contribute significantly to our moods, energy, relationships, and our physical, mental, and emotional health & well-being.

When we are more rested and get good quality sleep, it makes sense that we are a lot more productive, effective, engaged, and focused. In addition, it:

• Reduces stress
• Improves your mood
• Increases energy levels
• Strengthens relationships (because we get along better with people)
• Helps to control weight
• Improves motor memory
• Lowers your risk for serious health problems, like diabetes and heart disease
• Strengthens the immune system
• Means we get sick less often
• Decreases inflammation in the body
• Keeps your heart healthy
• Keeps blood sugar consistent
• Helps with hormonal balance
• Helps you think more clearly and do better at work or school
• Improves brain performance

As you can see, having a great night’s sleep has the potential to dramatically improve the all-around quality of your life.

How do you sleep?

I strongly encourage you to take some time to explore your own sleep habits and cycles. Even if you’re already a good sleeper, there’s typically room for more improvement.

Firstly, look at your sleep patterns:

• Are you getting enough adequate sleep? Yes or No?
• What are your thoughts about your sleep quality or duration?
• Does your sleep have daytime consequences? What are they?

It’s my intent as you read this article that you will actively engage with it. Get out your pen and paper, and take notes. Highlight the tips and ideas that resonate with you. The ones that you would like to implement or explore further.

If you’re taking the time to read this, it’s obviously important to you, so make the most of it.

20 Sleeping Tips for a better night’s sleep

Since researching this topic, I’m pleased to confirm that my own sleep quality has definitely improved. A quick shout-out to Jim Kwik, as several of these tips are from his course Accessing your SuperBrain, which I completed with MindValley (highly recommend).

Here is what I’ve discovered:

1. Remove all light

Even the ambient light on the clock radio or the dot on a TV can affect your sleep. Make sure the lights are out. If your curtains do not eliminate daylight fully, you can purchase an eye mask and keep it within reach. They are a few dollars online and work well in the morning when the sun is rising and you’re not ready to wake up. My mask is a lovely black velvet and has a nice thick elastic that is not tight and sits very comfortably.

2. Moderate room temperature

The optimal room temperature for sleep should be between 18 to 20 degrees Celsius (64.4-68 Fahrenheit). Either side of this temperature can disturb your sleep rhythms and wake you up more often. Remember ‒ not too hot, not too cold.

The weight of your bedcovers can be used to moderate the temperature you sleep at. Many blankets and doonas these days have warmth ratings on the packaging. If you are waking up too hot or too cold, consider having a winter doona and a lighter weight summer doona, with an optional extra blanket as the weather changes seasons.

3. Do not work in your bedroom

The bedroom is for sleep and play. Your bedroom is a place to relax, it’s for sleep and for enjoyment. It’s not a place for work. Your mind needs to be able to switch off from work mode when you’re in your bedroom. This is especially challenging for many teens and young adults who have desks in their bedrooms.

4. Learn healthy ways to process emotional pain and turmoil

Research indicates that 75-90% of disease is caused by stress. The body stores trapped emotions. They build up in the body and affect us psychosomatically and physically.

Generally, we have been raised to bury our emotions, avoid them, and shut them down. We are not taught to feel. When we sleep our mind continues to process this built-up energy and emotional stress. When you do emotional healing work, like Self Directed Healing, it processes and releases this trapped energy so it leaves your body. The result is that your mind and body calm down, relax more, enabling a better night’s sleep.

I have worked with a number of clients who have sleep apnea. From an emotional healing perspective, we focus on the trapped emotions, limiting beliefs, and old wounds.

5. Work towards healing your trauma and grief

Sometimes disruptive sleep patterns are caused by unprocessed trauma and grief cycles that have not been healed. If you are waking with panic attacks, anxiety, nightmares, etc., explore Self Directed Healing, it is very effective for this.

6. Get off all electrical devices

No technology before bedtime or when you first wake. 2 hours before bed, and 1 hour when you wake up. Technology is proven to affect the brain, stimulating your mind and making it harder to fall asleep.

Electronic media use has been consistently linked with delayed bedtime and shortened sleep, as well as increased night waking. Sounds and blinking lights can also cause unwanted awakenings when sleeping next to electronics.

7. Put your mobile phone out of reach

Having your phone right next to the bed is not ideal. Where else can it go?

Electronic back-lit devices like cell phones, tablets, readers, and computers emit short-wavelength enriched light, also known as blue light. The blue light emitted by your cell phone screen restrains the production of melatonin, the hormone that controls your sleep-wake cycle (aka circadian rhythm). This makes it even more difficult to fall asleep and wake up the next day.

At night, the light throws the body’s biological clock—the circadian rhythm—out of whack and our sleep suffers (Harvard Medical School).

8. Install light filters on your devices and consider looking at glasses

Many mobiles and devices now have apps you can install with light filters.

Blue-blocking glasses, also known as amber glasses, are plastic glasses that primarily block blue light. These glasses have been studied and proven as a successful intervention for reducing sleep onset latency in people with sleep disorders, jet lag, insomnia, delayed sleep phase, and variable shift work schedules. National Library of Medicine National Library of Medicine ‒ May 2021

9. Take regular breaks from your devices

Come up with a plan, don’t just read on. Write down some times that would work well in your schedule to take a rest break or change the pace. Stretching or a quick walk is very beneficial. If needed, set yourself up for success by adding reminders to your phone, or diary, especially in the beginning when you are creating a new habit, you need to remind yourself.

10. Exercise

Studies show that exercise improves how you sleep at night. Research also indicates that the optimal time to exercise for improved sleep is 7.30 am. However, we are all different and work to different schedules. Any exercise is going to be beneficial.

11. Learn to understand your sleep patterns

There are many apps and devices available that monitor sleep. My Fitbit watch is fabulous. One of the functions it offers is a sleep tracker. It clearly tells me how long I’ve actually slept, not just how long you are in bed. Plus, it measures the amount of time I have in each of the 4 different sleep cycles ‒ Deep, REM, Light, and Awake.

It gives me an overall score based on the quality of sleep I’ve had, out of 100. You can look at oxygen variations, sleeping heart rates, and restlessness. It’s priceless information. Once you have an average sleep score to work with, your goal can be to consistently improve it until you are fully optimised and then work to keep it stable. Currently, my personal goal is to consistently be above a score of 82 and ideally above 85. I can totally feel the difference when I’ve rated below 80 for a couple of nights in a row. It affects my productivity, focus, and energy levels and is my ‘warning bell’ to make some changes.

12. Drink plenty of water

Hydration is fundamental to our wellbeing. Our bodies transmute a lot of energy. When our bodies are hydrated it responds much better to the messages it carries. Water quality also plays a role, I’d recommend filtered still water.

Interestingly and paradoxically, when your body is dehydrated it is more likely to give you a wake-up call for the bathroom during the night. Plus our brains are made up of 80% water and they will dehydrate overnight. When you first wake up in the morning, drink lots of water, and continue to keep your water intake up throughout the day, your body needs it.

13. Breathwork … 4-7-8

If you struggle to get to sleep or find yourself wide awake during the night, the 4-7-8 is a great breathing technique. It’s used by the navy seals. You breathe in for 4 counts, hold for 7, and breathe out for 8 counts.

Studies indicate it can reduce depression and anxiety, improve sleep quality, reduce stress levels, improve motor memory and improve pain processing. Pretty cool!

1. Close your mouth and quietly inhale through your nose to a mental count of 4.
2. Hold your breath for a count of 7.
3. Exhale through your mouth, making a whoosh sound for a count of 8.
4. Repeat the process three more times for a total of 4 breath cycles.

I use this when I find myself restless and awake during the night. I’ve found it takes focus and practice. The focus is effective because it shifts your mind from the many thoughts whirling in your head to your breathing and slows everything down. Usually, I fall asleep doing this, so for me, it works.

14. Meditation

There are many calming, restorative, sleep meditations available online. Look them up and create a favorites list that you can quickly and easily access when you’re tired.

15. Natural products

There are many natural and healthy products on the market. Vitamins, magnesium, teas, etc. Do your homework, and look at the research ‒ don’t just go by what the label says, as marketing can be deceptive.

16. Avoid sleeping tablets

Sleeping tablets are not a long-term solution because they don’t address the causes of your sleeping problems or insomnia. It’s a temporary bandaid, not a solution.

17. Limit caffeine

Too much caffeine, particularly in the evening, can cause insomnia. Limit caffeinated drinks to four or less per day, and avoid these types of drinks after dinner.

18. Go online, get curious and look

We are in the digital age, so use this to your advantage. My list is not exhaustive so hop online and find resources you like, try them out. See what works for you. Save them and keep at it.

Check out https://thesleepdoctor.com/

19. Create better routines and habits

• What do you typically do right before bedtime?
• Is it restful and does it help you unwind and get ready for a good night’s sleep?
• Would it work better to change around some of these routines?
• Are you staying up too late? I find if I go to bed at a certain time I sleep better. Once I stay up beyond this time, it’s more likely to affect my sleep quality. I’ve learned to pay attention and listen more to my body and go to bed when it tells me to, instead of staying up that bit later.

20. Create goals for improving your sleep and take consistent action

Make a plan. Pick a couple of tips that resonate with you and start there. What would you like to improve, by when, and how? Include action steps and methods of measuring. How will you know if you’ve succeeded?

Consistent action will get results. Small consistent changes and tweaks gather momentum over time. Keep at it and don’t give up. If something doesn’t work, it doesn’t matter, it’s all feedback. Keep going.

As you can see there are so many different things you can do to enhance your sleep. This information is not exhaustive. You will easily find more online.

Do it differently. Just because you’ve always had trouble sleeping doesn’t mean it can’t change. It means the chemicals and neurons in your brain need to shift. The trapped emotions in your body need to release. You need to create a new healthier pattern/cycle in your body.

Listen to your inner dialogue. Is the record you’re playing telling you:

“I’m a terrible sleeper”

“I can’t sleep” or something along those lines.

Perhaps try:

“I’m working to improve my sleeping all the time”

“It’s possible to improve my sleep”

“I can do it”

“I’m learning to be a better sleeper”.

It isn’t about trying everything all at once. It’s about selecting a few tips that you relate to and having a go. Small consistent action in the right direction gets momentum. Then come back, revisit this list, and try something else. Keep going, keep improving.

What you focus on is what you get. Would you prefer to focus on how terribly you sleep, or how you are working to improve your sleep habits and patterns?

Always remember to celebrate your successes, no matter how small. It helps us to feel good about ourselves.

Just know, it’s totally possible to improve your sleep patterns, no matter how ingrained they are.

Creating Change’s work is focused on tapping into our full potential and living our best life. Getting a good night’s sleep is a crucial element in this.

I trust you’ve gained value from this article.

To see more of our content check out our website ChristyRobertsCoaching.com. There are a number of free resources, blogs, and events available.

You can also view our videos on the ChristyRobertsCreatingChange YouTube Channel. Please remember to like and subscribe.

I’m curious, which tip are you going to implement first?

Christy Roberts – Creating Change
Award winning Coach, Healer & Educator

Procrastination is a common pitfall that way too many of us fall into. When we procrastinate, our attention is diverted somewhere else or our time is filled up with meaningless tasks. This means we’re not focusing where we should be and it affects our capacity to get through our work or tasks.

Procrastination can easily become habitual. We form patterns of repeated time-wasting behaviors, and if we continue to procrastinate over long periods of time:

• It affects our motivation
• It stops us from getting done what needs to get done
• It affects our confidence and self-esteem
• We can become disillusioned and disappointed in ourselves
• We can get stuck
• It affects our results and achievements over time
• And you will not reach your potential

Procrastination is different to laziness. Laziness indicates an unwillingness to act and is linked to apathy and inactivity. Whereas in procrastination, we choose to do something else instead of what we should be doing. It’s an active process.

In procrastination, we typically focus on low-value tasks (Pareto principle & the 80/20 Rule), rather than focusing on the higher-value tasks that are going to help us achieve our goals.

If you are stuck in a pattern of procrastination, it’s important to realize that it’s entirely possible to overcome it.

Activity

Set your timer for 1 minute and take a moment to brainstorm …

How do you procrastinate?

Bring some awareness to it, and start calling yourself out on it. Hold yourself accountable.

I’m procrastinating. What could I be doing instead?

This activity is about making the choice to do what you should be doing, instead of the stuff that is wasting your time!

Realize that consciousness won’t always be there in the beginning. To break the cycle, you need to create a new pattern of behavior, a new habit. So just keep at it, keep going.

Establishing a new habit means you’ve neurologically rewired your brain and behavioral patterns so that you’re habitually performing them without even thinking.

In the beginning, change can be very messy. So anticipate you’re not going to get it right all the time. You’re not going to remember every time, but just keep bringing your awareness and attention back to it. Don’t give up, keep going.

In the middle of forming a new habit, the results can be mediocre and haphazard. Hit and miss!

Then in the end it becomes quite easy, streamlined, effortless, and fluid. Habitual.

You’ve created a new pattern, a new habit.

Now, if you’re putting off a task because your priorities have shifted or things have changed, that’s not necessarily procrastination. But, if you keep putting off something indefinitely, I’d suggest you need to look at that.

Here are some examples of procrastinating:

• Filling up your diary with really low-value tasks
• Putting off important items on your to-do list for another time, or for a long time
• Starting a really high-value task and then going off to make coffee or getting distracted
• Reading emails several times over without actioning them or responding to them.

You’re just staying in that cycle. You’re sabotaging your growth and your success.

Here are some reasons why we procrastinate:

1. The task is too big. It’s taking you completely out of your comfort zone. There is a saying, how do you eat an elephant? It’s one bite at a time. You chunk it down and make it simple for yourself.

Break the task down into small chunks

2. You’re a perfectionist.Perfectionism is a form of procrastination and control. Does perfection even exist? You’re setting yourself up for failure. I’d recommend getting really clear on what you want to do, and then taking imperfect action towards it.

I have a motto “Be perfectly imperfect and be perfectly happy with that.”

Perfectionism can be linked with a need for control. There’s a fear of uncertainty that’s associated with perfectionism. You want or need to control your environment. You need everything to be right, predictable, safe, and certain. It’s uncomfortable for you not to have everything lined up and exact.

I’d encourage you to continue to bring awareness to this, and really challenge yourself to just get it done because this behavior pattern is keeping you from reaching your potential.

Imperfect action is better than no action

Getting things done and ticking off those tasks, even though they’re not perfect, makes a big difference.

3. Poor decision-making ability. Some people struggle with their ability to make decisions. If you can’t decide what to do, you’ll put off taking action which means you won’t get results because you’re too worried about making the wrong choice.

If this is you, you need to focus on improving your decision-making ability and building your confidence. This is a skill you can most definitely enhance. I’d highly recommend working with a coach, I get fabulous results with my clients. It helps to fast-track results and break through limiting beliefs, fears, and thought patterns. It’s like having a Personal Trainer for your heart and mind.

4. The task is outside your level of comfort. Perhaps you procrastinate because you don’t feel safe. You want to stay in your comfort zone.

How many people stay in a job for way too long when they’re very unhappy? Better the devil you know, right?

What about people who stay in relationships far too long? Rather than doing the work to improve themselves, their relationship, or getting out, they just stay stuck there, doing nothing, and really unhappy in their relationship.

It can be easy to forget you have choices and options!

So instead, you stay in your comfort zone. It’s familiar. It’s what you know. But your procrastination and inaction are only prolonging the pain. It’s keeping you stuck there longer!

Expanding your comfort zone:

Outside of our comfort zone is what I call the fear zone. This is where you lack confidence. You haven’t done it yet. You’ll find excuses not to go there because it’s uncomfortable. There might be nervousness, anxiety, or fear that accompanies it.

But as you push more and more into the fear zone, what happens is our comfort zone expands. We begin to get more comfortable sitting in that fear and growth.

Interestingly, at a biological level, these feelings of anxiety, nervousness, and fear are exactly the same as excitement.

This means we can work on consciously shaping our thought process to shift our experience from nervousness to excitement.

A strategy I use, instead of calling it fear, nervousness, or anxiousness, I say:

I’m excited. I’m expanding right now because I’m growing

So if, and when you feel this way, just think of yourself as expanding because you’re moving and growing out of your comfort zone.

This can really help you to overcome procrastination.

How to break the pattern:

Ask yourself: what is my real intention here?

When it’s a deeply ingrained habitual pattern, it’s not something that you can just overcome in a night. This takes repetition. This takes building a new habit, and new neural pathways. This is where it helps to have goals.

For example, I’ve lost a lot of weight. In the beginning, I procrastinated (a lot) on exercising, changing my diet, and all the usual things that people procrastinate on when it comes to losing weight and getting fitter.

Over the years, I’ve taken an approach of continually leveling up and fine-tuning.

It’s been a gradual, slow process for me. A sustainable process. I’ve discovered that it works really well. And the big goal that I’ve set for myself, the big reward and motivator, is envisioning myself out in the future as the woman I want to be. I’m continually connecting with my BIG WHY.

When I’m in my 70s, when I’m in my 80’s, I want to be fit and healthy.

I want to be able to walk the Camino de Santiago in Spain. I want my body to be well functioning, fit, energized, and healthy.

I don’t want to be held back because of my physical body and because I haven’t looked after myself throughout my lifetime. I most definitely don’t want to have regrets.

My strategy is I envision the future self that I’m becoming.

I often think to myself, what can I do today that my future self is going to thank me for?

This is about committing to the task and the person you are choosing to become. No excuses. Don’t let them get in the way. Catch yourself.

Focus on doing and don’t allow yourself to avoid it. Notice when you’re avoiding it and stop.

Just stop!

If it’s a health and fitness goal and it feels too big, starting small could be as easy as putting on your workout clothes or shoes. Walking to the letter box. It doesn’t matter. Putting on your workout gear is the new habit. Then build from there.

Consider, what is something I can do right now or today? Each day? Every day. And just keep moving towards your goals.

There’s a lot of power in accountability. You can ask someone to check in on you.

What do you want?

• Do you want to be the next CEO?
• Do you want a promotion?
• Do you want to have a balanced life?
• Do you want a better relationship?
• Do you want more quality time?
• Do you want to lose weight?
• Do you want to heal an injury?
• Do you want to finish some studies?

Reflecting back on the earlier activity, have a look at the list you made of how you procrastinate. Really reflect on that for a moment.

Taking into account everything we’ve just covered:

• Is there anything you can add?
• How are you going to start calling yourself out?
• What is going to change?
• What new strategies are you going to put in place now to hold yourself accountable?

It is totally possible to change your patterns and overcome procrastination.

Your life is precious. Your time is precious and once it’s gone, you cannot get it back.

The power is yours.

Next steps:

If time management is a challenge for you, I encourage you to come along to our Master Your Time – Master Your Life FREE MasterClass or contact us to sign up for our new online self-paced program.

Watch our Podcast on Overcoming Self Sabotage.

Need some help, then reach out ‒ we offer free discovery calls. We’ll discuss where you’re at, where you want to be, what needs to change, and how working with a world-class Coach & Healer may be the next step to fast-track your results and get you moving again.

For more tips on overcoming procrastination, check out our Podcast Episode: Procrastination & Being Stuck

Your life is so precious, don’t waste it procrastinating and being mediocre. There’s so much more available to you.

Christy Roberts – Creating Change
Award-winning Coach, Healer & Educator

How does an optimist deal with grief?

When my cheeky, charismatic, 18-year-old son Aaron died suddenly in a car accident last year, it felt like the very foundations of my world collapsed from underneath my feet.  

My life as I knew it irrevocably shifted in the blink of an eye, one fateful accident, one phone call.          

It’s been nothing short of a devastatingly tough journey, a road that I will continue to travel and navigate throughout the rest of my life.

I have learned many things.

Grief in its purest form is an expression of love. When we lose someone or something we love, we grieve. Whether it is someone we love, a broken relationship, our health, a job, or even our home, grief hurts, and it is a deeply emotional, physical, mental, and sometimes spiritual experience.

In life, tragic things can and do happen. The key here is recognizing that how we respond to events is often the difference between a positive or a negative outcome. We can’t change the fact that someone we dearly love has died, but we have choices about how we decide to respond and move forward.

You can feel sad, angry, and confused over your loss.  Of course, you feel these things, and you can still feel optimistic about other aspects of your life at the same time.

Australia is the 2nd most medicated country in the world for depression and anxiety. Why so?  In brief, people are not automatically depressed; often and naturally we are sad. It appears some doctors are far too quick to prescribe medication.  Grieving people need guidance and support to adopt healthy ways to feel and express emotions rather than numb and avoid them. 

When we deny the deep emotion of grief, we may deny our love.

For the grieving optimist, the journey of grief understands that through the pain, you can find and reconnect with love again. You can learn a new way to live life fully despite your loss.

This isn’t about finding the silver linings, being positive, and avoiding our grief. This is embracing the pain of our loss and learning healthy and resourceful ways to express and feel our emotions so that we can live our best life. 

Here are some suggestions for being realistically optimistic in your grief.

• It’s essential to recognise that whilst pain is inevitable; suffering is optional. This is an important distinction. 
• Notice your inner dialogue. 

• The What-Ifs:  It’s very normal and natural for our mind to have ‘what if questions.  ‘Why wasn’t I there?’  “What if I had done something differently?’  These questions are natural when a person is seeking to process and make sense of what has happened.  But in the absence of understanding, our mind can fill in the blanks. This creates more suffering; it adds to our pain and can keep us stuck.  If someone you love dies, you will grieve – you will have pain, but you reinforce the suffering with what-if scenarios creating guilt and shame. Challenge the stories, play them out and be kind to yourself.
• Grief-stricken future:  “I’ll never be happy again.” “My life is destroyed.”  “I can’t live without him/her.” “I’m heartbroken.”  Begin to notice and challenge these statements. Are they true? Are they kind?  Serving you?  Helping you grow? Nurturing you? If not, what can you replace them with? Therapy and coaching can be helpful with this.
• Find healthy ways to feel and process your grief: Don’t avoid your feelings of grief, get curious and learn to understand it. If your grief had a voice, what would it say? It’s unhealthy to shut down, suppress and avoid feelings, have fits of rage, feel guilty, be overwhelmed, anxious, shameful, depressed. Learn to move the pain through and out of your body. Healthy ways to handle and process emotion include writing, crying, resting, having your grief witnessed, taking care of yourself, eating well, exercise, meditation, energy healing, grief yoga, grief therapy or coaching, and so much more.  There are many books, podcasts, and online resources available. David Kessler’s book Finding Meaning and website grief.com are great resources.

Everyone’s grief is different because everyone’s experience is different. Recognise that if you are 2+ years down the track and you’re stuck in your grief, then you are most likely suffering, so please reach out for help because it doesn’t have to be this way.

Set yourself up for success. When it comes to celebrating special events and occasions without your loved one, think of ways to fill your day with love and something you enjoy in advance.

What new rituals can you create, like setting an extra place at the table, lighting a candle, telling stories, and having a photo of them close by? What will help you, what do you need, and how can you include them?

Be realistically optimistic – when you ask yourself questions like, how can I live my life fully despite this grief, you are realistically optimistic. The fact that you even ask this question presupposes it is totally possible. Look for examples of people who are living well with their grief. What other empowering questions can you ask yourself? Write a list.

Remember that you’re the pilot of your life. You make choices; even doing nothing is a choice. 

When it comes to being optimistic in grief, a good compass point can be to consider what your loved one would want for you.

Would they want you to be happy again, to love again, to enjoy your life? Use this as your compass – because I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t want you to be stuck in your grief.

An empowering and optimistic way that I can honour Aaron’s memory is to support others in their grief and to recreate a wonderful life for myself. A life that builds his legacy as a tribute to the fact that his life matters, he is honoured, cherished, loved beyond measure, and forever remembered.

In loving memory of my son, Aaron Wawra – Forever 18

Published by The Centre for Optimism

EMBRACING VULNERABILITY

For many of us, to be vulnerable means to be weak, fearful, hurt and open to betrayal. In western culture we’ve been raised that it’s not polite, or socially acceptable, to display our emotions and pain. As a consequence,

Don’t get me wrong, this is not done intentionally. These are patterns of behaviour we’ve adopted from childhood because these behaviours and patterns worked back then and made sense to our young minds.

But, look around us. There are so many people in pain. Anxiety, stress, grief, overwhelm, burn out, trauma, addictions, sadness, guilt, shame, anger and more.

There are so many more people who are devoid of expressing emotion, who are numb, disconnected, misunderstood, lonely and suffering in silence.

So, why is this so important? It’s important because vulnerability is the pathway to emotional intimacy and connection.

When we shut off our pain and vulnerability, we shut off the path to emotional intimacy, with our partner, our family and our friends.

We shut off that true feeling of being understood, worthwhile, loved and belonging.

My experience with vulnerability began at a young age. Like most of us, I learnt very early that it wasn’t okay to express anger. In fact, I vividly recall from grade 1 an episode where my teacher punished me because I swore.

I was a typical 7 year old adventurous kid and I’d somehow trapped my legs in a fence and hurt both my knees. I was scared, I was in pain and she was insisting I move when I physically couldn’t.

In frustration, fear and pain I swore. Then I was humiliated and mortified further by being punished and put on display in front of my whole class by having to apologise and drink soapy water to wash out my mouth.

Now the outcome here could have been totally different had I been listened to and understood. Had I been shown how to healthily express my anger, instead of being punished for it.

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